Be. Do. Have.
Nice things are nice. I’ve written before about appreciating beauty, and I firmly believe that includes things, from homes and clothes and shoes to the particular beauty of how a well-designed gadget seamless integrates into your hands and your life. But there’s definitely a difference between appreciating things and being beholden to them, and one of the tectonic shifts in my turbulent past year has been to think differently about myself, how I define “success,” and whether I’ve had a lot of things almost precisely backward.
There’s been no shortage of words published on the issue of the state of men, both in the US and around the world. The ground beneath our feet has definitely moved and while that’s not before time (being born a white man is a uniquely unearned privilege), it doesn’t diminish the sense of dislocation and disorientation. Society has shifted gender roles way more rapidly than men’s slowly evolving brains, and it’s left a lot of men both adrift and confused about their place in the world.
But a lot of men are working hard to figure this out. A recent article in GQ reported on a ranch in Colorado which runs programs for men trying to decipher what masculinity means in 2023, and one bang-on paragraph precisely captured the sense of how many of us have been led down the wrong path by societal expectations of decades past.
“A big topic was how to say fuck off to the classic American model for straight men’s lives, which Steve and Tim characterized as a sort of Frankenstein of machismo and hyper-capitalism,” it said, referring to the men running the program. “It was a masculinity focused on ‘have, do, be,’ they suggested, where men were taught to acquire things that supposedly built a life (partner, job, fancy car), which enabled them to do things they desired (start a family, build a career, project an image of success), and therefore become the humans they’d always imagined.
“But what if a man flipped the order, focused on ‘be, do, have,’ by putting effort into becoming the type of man he admired (kind, confident, self-reliant), which then led to doing the kinds of things such a guy might do (attract others, find purpose, feel comfortable in his own skin), which then could result in desired outcomes?”
Be. Do. Have. Sounds easy, right? But flipping your approach to being a man is incredibly hard. It requires jettisoning long-held beliefs and, in the process, stepping off the hedonic treadmill and confidently into the unknown. It’s taking a punt on the notion that if you built it, they will come, with no clue what “they” may actually be. Because most of us have become so unmoored from who we are at our core—or from what we truly desire from this flickering candle of a life—finding our way back to shore can seem a journey too far. Maybe it’s better to just hunker down in an unexamined life, comforted by flotsam and jetsam.
I’m not holding myself up as an exemplar of flipping the script. I still get a endorphin rush from buying something I covet, even when I know the thrill is fleeting. But I’m trying to buy less and buy better, and especially to not compromise on what I really want. Exhibit A: my coffee rig, which makes me unreasonably happy every time I use it because it’s exactly what I wanted. There’s no reason it shouldn’t be delivering delicious espressos and flat whites two decades from now, maybe with a few dents and dings for character (I’m referring to the machine. Age alone has already given me plenty of dents and dings).
The next step, at least for me, is on two fronts. A home that’s just enough: space for myself and my beautiful sons that we can collectively cherish. And my car lease runs out next year, so I intend to bounce the “lease and get a new car every three years” model to instead buy a worn-in car that can grow with me in the years ahead (worn in, but in really good nick! That definitely refers to me).
I get that doesn’t exactly sound revolutionary. But it’s a start for someone who has, for the past two decades, been on the “bigger house with features x, y, and z” kick (which is how, inevitably, all houses end up looking the same). Today, I’m looking enviously at surf shacks which have grown up around their occupants, truly reflecting who they are and what they value. Hint: it’s not usually heated floors, shiplap, and islands in the primary walk-in closet, although I do love the idea of an in-home sauna.
Anyway … the journey continues. There will be lots of twists and turns and dead ends, but if I can continue moving toward the best version of myself—and, especially, someone my kids love and respect—I have to believe that will increasingly be reflected in what I do. And who knows? Maybe once the be and do are nailed down, the have will take care of itself. Time for another coffee.